TESTIMONIES |
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They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Revelation 12:11
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 A month ago I attended a "queer Christmas" celebration with two of my friends in a chapel of a seminary school in Jakarta. This school has been spreading the false gospel that accepts and celebrates sin instead of transforming sinners into saints. We stayed all the way 'til the end of the event because we wanted to talk with some people there. By God's grace all the attendants were given the opportunity to introduce themselves which gave us the chance to speak what the Holy Spirit put in our heart.
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 I've been given the honor to participate in Dare to Change, an international Ex-LGBT conference in Taipei, Taiwan from 8-11 November 2018. More than 15 Ex-LGBT's from 15 different nations came to celebrate love and transformation through Jesus Christ. Not only we were given the chance to share publicly what God has done in our life but we were able to make new connections and encourage each other in this journey. I was extremely blessed by this initiative
 The word Jesus stuck in my throat like an elephant tusk; no matter how hard I choked, I couldn't hack it out. Those who professed the name commanded my pity and wrath. As a university professor, I tired of students who seemed to believe that "knowing Jesus" meant knowing little else. Christians in particular were bad readers, always seizing opportunities to insert a Bible verse into a conversation with the same point as a punctuation mark: to end it rather than deepen it.
Stupid. Pointless. Menacing. That's what I thought of Christians and their god Jesus, who in paintings looked as powerful as a Breck Shampoo commercial model. As a professor of English and women's studies, on the track to becoming a tenured radical, I cared about morality, justice, and compassion. Fervent for the worldviews of Freud, Hegel, Marx, and Darwin, I strove to stand with the disempowered. I valued morality. And I probably could have stomached Jesus and his band of warriors if it weren't for how other cultural forces buttressed the Christian Right. The surround sound of Christian dogma comingling with Republican politics demanded my attention.  It's funny that they still use our picture to represent same sex and "love". To be clear, Ana (Anacleta Paredes) and I broke up because we found something greater than this and that is Jesus Christ.
Just a little background - Ana and I dated for 6 years. Yes, we were in love but after a while, we started to feel empty. The relationship couldn't satisfy me anymore and I was always mad at her, blaming her for all the things I was feeling. Thinking we needed a spark, we tried to spice up our relationship by trying different drugs. Sure, we were happy when we were high, but after the high was gone, the emptiness was still left there. We both got depressed, and Ana even had EXTREME anxiety attacks because of the drugs. It reached the point when I wanted to kill myself. I knew I needed help and I didn't know who else to talk to--and that's when I reached out to Jesus. I didn't know what I was saying and "praying for" but the words just came out. I surrendered to Him fully and repented for all my sin.  I was deeply ingrained in the belief that I had been ‘born that way and couldn’t change’ and because of this, I was ready to suicide. At the age of twenty eight I had reached a stalemate. If I couldn’t reconnect in a real way with my God, then I could only see one alternative. The future alone and aging as a lesbian and an alcoholic looked bleak to me.
When I was twenty, I had given in to my orientation and tossed in my faith.For the first few years I was very comfortable with my identity as a lesbian and was very openly lesbian. However, I was also aware that I had lost connection with a God who had at one stage been very close to me. Now it was as if I prayed inside a concrete tomb.  I had a Father who work a lot and was not very physically or emotionally affectionate. I knew he loved me, but he didn't give me a lot of attention and little to no affirmation about being a girl. What he did give me affirmation about was being strong and physical. My mother was very affectionate, also my grandmother, so that was where I received most of my affection. My mother told me that when I was a baby I would let any woman hold me, but would cry if a man tried... even my own father.
When I was a child of five I can remember wanting to be a boy. I played with all boys and all boy toys and games... I was very much a tomboy. I remember being attracted to a woman on our street and I would go over to her house just to be around her, I had a crush on her (not sexual) but not really normal either. There were many other things thatwere (off) about my behavior as a young child, concerning sex and gender identity. The Lord has since shown me the root causes for some of those behaviors.  The summer of 2013 is when everything changed for me. I heard a voice tell me to look at a tree while I was washing dishes. I knew it wasn't anyone of my family because no one was around. The voice began to tell me that trees have been here since the beginning of time but we all know that a seed has to be planted for a tree to grow. If you ask a little kid how long a tree has been there, they would say forever when we know that isn't true. Homosexuality is the same way, a seed is planted in the child whether it's a generational curse, rape, molestation, teasing, abuse, fatherless home, etc. My "seed" was teasing. I knew I was never born gay, I just knew the feelings came sometime during elementary school. I got teased all the time at school for being small and not wearing nice clothes. It seemed like the only people who showed love were the women in my church. Because of that I began to have feelings for them and then started to have feelings for my friends and classmates. I started dressing like a guy my eighth grade year and got my first girl friend my tenth grade year. That's when I began to explore everything and embraced the lifestyle.
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