TESTIMONIES |
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They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Revelation 12:11
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 The word Jesus stuck in my throat like an elephant tusk; no matter how hard I choked, I couldn't hack it out. Those who professed the name commanded my pity and wrath. As a university professor, I tired of students who seemed to believe that "knowing Jesus" meant knowing little else. Christians in particular were bad readers, always seizing opportunities to insert a Bible verse into a conversation with the same point as a punctuation mark: to end it rather than deepen it.
Stupid. Pointless. Menacing. That's what I thought of Christians and their god Jesus, who in paintings looked as powerful as a Breck Shampoo commercial model. As a professor of English and women's studies, on the track to becoming a tenured radical, I cared about morality, justice, and compassion. Fervent for the worldviews of Freud, Hegel, Marx, and Darwin, I strove to stand with the disempowered. I valued morality. And I probably could have stomached Jesus and his band of warriors if it weren't for how other cultural forces buttressed the Christian Right. The surround sound of Christian dogma comingling with Republican politics demanded my attention.
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 It's funny that they still use our picture to represent same sex and "love". To be clear, Ana (Anacleta Paredes) and I broke up because we found something greater than this and that is Jesus Christ.
Just a little background - Ana and I dated for 6 years. Yes, we were in love but after a while, we started to feel empty. The relationship couldn't satisfy me anymore and I was always mad at her, blaming her for all the things I was feeling. Thinking we needed a spark, we tried to spice up our relationship by trying different drugs. Sure, we were happy when we were high, but after the high was gone, the emptiness was still left there. We both got depressed, and Ana even had EXTREME anxiety attacks because of the drugs. It reached the point when I wanted to kill myself. I knew I needed help and I didn't know who else to talk to--and that's when I reached out to Jesus. I didn't know what I was saying and "praying for" but the words just came out. I surrendered to Him fully and repented for all my sin.  Since my childhood I was somewhat effeminate. I didn't understand that time why I was like this... but that hurt me a lot because some of the boys laughed at me because of that. So I couldn't go outside to be among other boys. I always stayed at my home. When I was 8 years old my father sent me to his sister's house for good education because there wasn't any good school in my village. There I became so lonely and I suffered from home sickness. I missed my family very much there. However I became a good student in my study there and that's why the boys at my school didn't laugh at me. They respected me there because I was a good student.
There was someone who's like a brother to me in my neighbourhood there. He was older than me. We were friends. Because of my effeminate and shy nature, he used me in sexual ways for a month. At that time I didnt know anything about sex but somewhere in my heart I felt that it was wrong. So I started to ignore him. He always tried to get hold of me to use me for his sexual fantasies and that's why I stopped going out. I left home only when I had to go to school or to a different direction. A year after, one of my distant relatives tried to rape me while we were sharing the bed. Somehow I escaped. These incidents in my life led me to homosxeual feelings. Growing up, I had some feelings for the opposite sex too but the feelings for the same sex were stronger and the latter overcame the first. |
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