The Love of Jesus Satisfies Me

Since my childhood I was somewhat effeminate. I didn't understand that time why I was like this... but that hurt me a lot because some of the boys laughed at me because of that. So I couldn't go outside to be among other boys. I always stayed at my home. When I was 8 years old my father sent me to his sister's house for good education because there wasn't any good school in my village. There I became so lonely and I suffered from home sickness. I missed my family very much there. However I became a good  student in my study there and that's why the boys at my school didn't laugh at me. They respected me there because I was a good student.

There was someone who's like a brother to me in my neighbourhood there. He was older than me. We were friends. Because of my effeminate and shy nature, he used me in sexual ways for a month. At that time I didnt know anything about sex but somewhere in my heart I felt that it was wrong. So I started to ignore  him. He always tried to get hold of me to use me for his sexual fantasies and that's why I stopped going out. I left home only when I had to go to school or to a different direction. A year after, one of my distant relatives tried to rape me while we were sharing the bed. Somehow I escaped. These incidents in my life led me to homosxeual feelings. Growing up, I had some feelings for the opposite sex too but the feelings for the same sex were stronger and the latter overcame the first.

After completing my school my father sent me to a city for a higher education. I was new to the city and my feelings were also becoming stronger. Those days I thought that I was the only guy in this world who felt that way. I wasn't aware of the word 'gay' and 'homosexual' at that time. In the city there was some internet cafes where I came in contact with pornography. There I found out about gay sex. In the begining it was weird for me but I thought if that's what I have to do to be loved then I would do it. And I thought that these gay people only live in foreign country and that I couldn't have any future in this lifestyle here in India. Sometimes I also blame God for making me this way. I was very depressed and lonely. I was mentaly ill and it also disturbed my study a lot.

After completing my study in that city I went to another city for my engineering degree. There in my college my classmates laughed at me because of my voice and my effeminacy. They called me names. Some of them were supportive but it wasnt enough. I always wondered why I was like this. I didn't want to live in that way. Some sucidal thoughts came into my mind. I wanted to die. I left my college for three months. But there was a female lecturer there who was very supportive. She called me back to college, supported and encouraged me. So I continued my college. There was a guy in my class who was so suppotive and was a caring person. He was always close to me. Because of his kindness I 'fell in love' with him and I told him about that. It went disasterous. He broke his friendship with me.

One of my college friends introduced me to Facebook. There I found a gay guy from Mexico. I talked with him and I knew that he was also suffering from same condition. Through him I was able to make a lot of gay friends around the world. Later I found there were also some gay guys from my city. I started to talk with those guys. They wanted to meet with me in person. I met some of them but they were just seeking for sex. I had a commitment that I would only have sex with that person who loves me. I was seeking love of a man and I didn't find it
 in the gay lifestyle
. After that I found some guys in my city who were good in nature, I met them and became friends with them. I went out with two of them for love but later on I found out that they only wanted sexual pleasure. That made me feel very bad. Although I never had sex with them, it was just kisses, but inside my heart I felt that I did something wrong. I was very disturbed. I wanted to die. I hated myself.

During those days, I found a movie called 'Prayers for Bobby' on internet. I saw that movie. It was a gay movie. And I was first introduced to Christianity. This movie is pro-gay but somewhere in my heart I knew it was wrong. The opening song of movie 'I need you to listen, I need you to answer, oh God, I need you to... I want to see your face' touched my heart and I always listened this song. It gave peace to my heart but still I lived by followed homosexual feelings. Sometimes it felt good, sometimes very bad. I looked up to the night sky and cried out to God, "Why did you make me like this? Change me God."

During this time I found a friend who was also studying engineering. He was a nice guy and became a very close friend of mine. His nice behaviour and good nature got me attracted to him. Soon I was in love with him. One day I told him that I was gay but it hadn't any effect on him. He remained friends with me and was so friendly with me. We even shared the same bed. I was deeply in love with him. After somedays he moved to a different room and went to another place to live. I started to miss him badly. Sometimes he came to see me. One day I told him that I love him. He didn't take it seriously. He just laughed. Later on I also moved to his place and again we were close. I liked his company very much. I felt loved.

On 31 December 2013, he told me that he is going to propose a girl and was asking me whether he should propose her or not. It broke my heart. I cried whole night. I felt very disturbed. There was a church near my residence. On 1 January 2014 I went to a church for worship and prayer for the first time. There I was asking God to give me that boy or change me but He didn't give what I wanted. He gave what I needed the most. I felt very peaceful and happy after prayer worship. I really liked Christian worship songs. I started to go to church every sunday and every prayer meetings. First time in my life I felt the pure love of God. I started to feel good and loved. God loved me with His pure love. I want you to know that I am ex-Hindu. I started to know the Lord Jesus Christ and how He loved us so much that He sacrificed Himself for us. I read bible and knew the truth. God became so close to me. He filled my heart with His pure and holy love. I started to live in His presence. It was awesome. I was touched by the Holy spirit. The first three months no one in the church knew me. When I gave my testimony of how God has loved me, they started to know me. I was introduced to my church pastor and all of the church family. They were very spiritual and loving people. I knew about the Lord Jesus more and more through the church and through internet preachers. And I became aware that homosexuality is bad in the sight of the Lord and how God has condemned it in Leviticus. Those past feelings were going away slowly and gradually in the presence of Lord. Sometimes temptation came but I decided that it is better to serve Lord Jesus than a man. I surrendered fully to the Lord. On 6 July 2014, I got baptized and from that point on I have been living a christian life.

God has really changed me. I am the first believer in my family. My family and my society don't like my conversion from Hinduism from Christianity. They still oppose me. They always try to convince what I did is wrong because they don't know how God has saved me. If I told them my testimony, they would hate me. That's why I shared it only with my foreigner friends. I want to give all glory and praises to Lord Jesus Christ. Without Him I was dead. He has given me a new life. Thank you Jesus

Chandan

(The photo is just an illustration. It's not Chandan)