Transgender? Transformed!

The Beginning

My name is Michael Edward Ukus. I am writing the story of my life to prove that God exists dan that He is always there in my life.

I'm the second child of three siblings. We lived with our parents in Manado. After enrolling to a Christian university in Manado to study theology, we found that that our parents were in the process of getting a divorce. Unexpectedly we received a letter from the court asking us to attend the divorce trial. Honestly as their children we were very heartbroken by this news. My dad left us and my mom had to work really hard to provide for us. It broke our heart to see how hard she had to work to the point of getting sick and even fainting because of fatigue. This really destroyed me personally and I couldn't continue my study because of it. I thought there was no point studying theology if my parents were getting a divorce. In the end I no longer had any desire to study and stopped doing Christian activities at my campus. That's when the Enemy took an advantage.

I was sitting by myself in a park near my boarding house while some of my seniors were hanging out in a senior's room. Because they saw I was all alone, one of them invited me to join them. They were singing and playing the guitar while drinking a typical manadonese booze, Cap Tikus. Because it was cold, I was asked to drink with them just to warm my body. Suddenly they started to undress me and began to rape me. There were 13 of them. I screamed and ran away from the room while crying because I was really shocked by what they did.

I became very upset and sad because while my family was suffering from the divorce, something terrible happened to me as well. I was disappointed by my family and people who claim to be God's children but act differently. After the incident, my seniors came to my room to repeat the same thing over and over again. At first I didn't like what they did but eventually I started to enjoy what we were doing. I decided to just live that lifestyle during my study in the university. In the end the rector found out about our doing and I was summoned to see him. I decided to leave the university.

After some happenings that made our parents to divorce, the three of us one by one moved to Jakarta. We all struggled and hoped that by moving to Jakarta we could improve our family's financial situation. Honestly this is all my fault because I left the Lord. I served Him for a while but because of my disappointed at my family, I decided to run from my calling. This situation frustrated me because I felt ashamed and I was afraid to return to His way.

A Painful Journey

Day by day things got harder as we needed more money for my younger sibling's college fee and living cost in Jakarta. Because of this, I made all the wrong choices that made me go even further from God. Money was all I could think about. I was friends with people who had no purpose. I was involved in drug use and hedonistic lifestyle. I became bound to the sin of homosexuality as well. Lust and love of money blinded me and I simply didn't care about anything else. I had friends whom I thought understand me the most. I left my family and chose to go even deeper in this wicked lifestyle.

I spent every night with my friends in pubs and discos and we would even stay for days in a room while doing drugs. Even though we knew people with money and gave us free drugs, we still needed to make money. When I ran out of money, I had to call my mom asking for money for different excuses. After getting the money, I would return to my friends for another drug party. Not just that. Because of strong sexual impulse, I had to pay men to release my lust. I even had sex with my friends in the same room with several men without shame.

The vice that really gripped me was homosexual lust. I needed to keep looking for men, any man as long as I satisfied my flesh. I became more bound to this sin to the point that it was no longer enough to just have sex with one man. I often did it with 2, 3 and even 5 men at once even if I had to pay them with money and drinks. I did all that that because of my unquenchable lust. 

My life was completely ruined. I had to prostitute myself on the street as a ladyboy every night after I left the pub just to make some money. I just didn't care as long as I got what I wanted. I only stopped only when I was either too tired or sick but I would do it again after. I thought about being a woman completely through transexual operation. I've looked for a good place to do this. I worked to get the money for the operation but in the end the money was always gone. I even worked as a pimp offering young girls to pervert older men just for drugs and sex with men. I even prostituted myself to pervert older men. God has spoken me numerous time to remind me to repent. I did stopped for a while but I came back again to this evil.

I cried and sin gripped me even more. The more I tried, the deeper I fell. I even thought that perhaps I could never come back to God. I began to blame my family and myself. I ended up thinking that no one could help me. My family has stopped giving me advice. I didn't care anymore. I rebelled even more and thought, "Might as well go all the way to the bottom." I didn't care about my life. All I cared about was money, drugs, and sex.

Transformation

I was enslaved to the sin of homosexuality and drug addiction for about seven years. One time I overdosed and my lungs were in horrible condition. The doctor said that I wouldn't live more than one month but through prayer I was healed. After recovery, I fell again to my old vices until God rebuked me. At that time I was on a boat from Manado to Tahuna with my mom and my step father in late 2008. Suddenly in the middle of the sea the boat were hit by strong waves and wind. I remember it was 9 PM. I never experienced this before. Our beds were on the second deck. All of the sudden the boat swang to left and right and the doors were all busted because of the wave. People were screaming, including my mom. The women were crying out of fear. 

The boat was shaking for about 8-9 hours. Oh my goodness.. I've never been this scared before. Half of the passengers' belongings were thrown into the sea. The light on the boat started to dim. We, the passengers, have already worn our life jacket for emergency. The crew told us to wait for their signal. If they said jump, then we would jump. The passengers were singing worship songs over and over again. Some cried and everyone was on guard. I was so scared especially because my mom was sobbing. In that situation I only thought about one thing: my sins. It was as if every sin I've committed were flashing in front of me like on a screen. I was speechless. All I knew was that had I died that day, I would have gone straight to hell but then I remember my mom. I loved my mom deeply and I didn't want my mom to die because of me. My mom didn't deserve to suffer like that just because of my mistakes. I wanted to cry but couldn't because I was really afraid.

And then I felt something in my heart that encouraged me to pray. My words at that time were, "Lord, I know I have sinned but I don't want to see my mom suffer because of me. I know she doesn't deserve this. I beg you Lord that if this has to happen, even if I have to die, let my mom live. However, if I can still ask one thing, and if You're willing, I beg You to save us from this trial and I promise you, I will return and repent and serve You all my life." After I finished praying and opened my eyes, I could see clearly at the end of the boat there was a figure wearing white clothing walking around the edge of the boat with one hand touching the edge and the other hand the wall of the boat. My bed was next to the door and the door was broken because of the wave. So I could see clearly that figure and He looked me straight in the eyes. I knew that everyone was going to be safe through the look of His eyes.

After that vision, I was reminded of a dream that I had previously. In my dream I was in a boat but the boat was full of dead bodies. I was the only passenger standing looking at all the dead bodies. I didn't understand what the dream meant when I had it but after what happened in the boat and how everyone was saved, I understood that if it weren't for God, we would all have been dead.

That incident brought me back to God. He changed my life with His own way. What was impossible for men is impossible for God. I may not be smart or have many things like a lot of people but one thing I know is that God saved me. God brought me back. God restored me and it was Him who changed my heart and brought me back to His glory. He made me believe that He exists and my life is so precious to Him. He is the reason. Truly there is not enough words to describe how awesome and amazing He is. I'm alive only because of His mercy and grace.

He was the one who made me believe to move forward and gave me the courage to come closer to Him. I believe that the closer I am to Him, the more I become like Him. He is the one who has changed my life and made me perfect because His perfection covers my weakness and flaws. My life is only for Him forever. There's no reason for me not to believe in Him. He has done too much in my life. Thank You Lord Jesus.

I hope my testimony will bless and motivate anyone reading it to stay in the Lord. No matter how big your problem is, just remember that He is bigger than your problem. Whoever you are, know that you are precious in God's eyes. We may not be able to see Him but He always cares for us, watches over us. He is the God that loves us. Even though we don't realize it, He is there with us all the time. Nothing is impossible for Him as long as we believe.

Keep in Mind
Pursue Him with your heart. Pursue Him with your love and passion. You will not regret it! Work out your salvation and do your calling. Stay faithful and don't give up. I believe that if we really pursue and wait for Him, we will receive and find Him.

Prayer
I pray for whoever you are, whatever your background is, we are one in the Lord. Let us remain strong in the Lord who does all thing for His glory. O Lord reveal Yourself to them as you have to me. I believe as You have loved me, You love them as much. Thank You Lord Jesus, Amen.