Testimony of an Ex-Transgender & Ex-Gay

​I was born in a catholic family. My parents are very devout and so they hammered in me when I was little Catholic values, such as going to Masses, giving thanks to the Lord, being modest. I’ve also always gone to catholic schools since I was in kindergarten. When I was little, a lot of people made remarks that I was different, in the sense that I was “girly”. Mainly because most of my friends were girls and that my role models were feminine: Sailor Moon, Kimberley from Power Rangers (Ranger Pink – I wanted to be her J). Then, those remarks became insults. It began with “pretty boy”, then sissy, gay, then faggot, etc. It really affected my confidence. I became more timid and I kept most things to myself. It became worse at middle school because I went to an all-boys school. Not only did they insult me but also the boys would stay away from me. I had problems accepting that I was a boy – I always felt awkward in my own body and had problems making friends.

Came college, I was introduced to trangenderism. I wanted to transform myself into a girl completely. Thanks to the internet, I was able to buy hormone pills that I took for 3 years. Indeed, they brought me physical changes as well as emotional. I developed little breasts, my skin became softer, I gained weight... However, I became easily angered. I started passing as a girl, and I messed around with some guys in college. I had a boyfriend, however, I never felt comfortable in my own skin, I’ve always felt ashamed of myself, like a circus freak. I was neither a man, nor a woman, and I felt disgusting. One day I told myself that I couldn’t handle it anymore. The emotions that I felt became so heavy and I gathered that the pills brought about the risk of cancer. So I stopped taking them. I also questioned a lot if we could really “transform” ourselves to be another sex. People told me that gender is not important, and that it is not something “fixed”. If it were the case, why then take the pills to “transform yourself”, and at which point are we truly “male” or “female”? Moreover, I always believed in God and I knew that it wasn’t something that pleased Him.

That started to change my thinking. I left out being transgender. However, I fell into homosexuality, an identity that I held on to at that moment strongly. With it, came a lot other things: gay references (Cher, Beyonce, the Golden Girls), the drag culture (drag queens are men who wear women clothes to perform in bars, gay parade, etc), gay pride parades... I plunged deeply into homosexuality. However, God always guarded me. He put in me a lot of doubts about that identity. People always say that we need to be proud of being gay. I questioned that, saying, “what is it about being gay that we are proud of? The fact that we have impeccable physiques, that guys want us? But all that will disappear one day! That we have attraction towards the same sex, does it deserve being proud of?” I felt that life had no point. I also saw that homosexuality cannot be reconciled with Christ. Being gay distances ourselves from Christ. I was very confused.

One fateful day I met a guy through an online penpal site when I was learning French, his name is Sihol Gianito Situmorang, supposedly, he had left being a homosexual. It was unheard of. People would say that that kind of guy would just be repressing his desires. Because I’ve heard of “ex-gay” stories where they would just backslide and fall again into homosexuality. But there was just something in me, that told me to keep in touch with him. He encouraged me a lot and showed me that we can get out of the trap of the enemy. At that moment, I still held on to the gay identity. I stumbled across a powerful testimony video of an ex-lesbian. She denounced the lies of those who say that they’re “proud” of being gay, by saying that God accepts us as we are but He could only live in pure hearts, that we need to surrender our hearts completely to Him! She also then cited Joshua 24:15 – Choose today whom you will serve. That moment, it was like someone slapped me in the face. It was like God was saying directly to my face to choose my master. He was sick of me and He wanted me to make a decision. From that point, I started praying so that He would show me His way.

Gradually, He’d work on me, and continue showing me His ways. From that point on, He truly blessed me with a job that I love, financial independence, sincere friends, and most of all, peace. I have peace that I’d never felt before when I identified as transgender or else, gay, which I bet, a lot of people would want but could not find in any the temporary wealth of this world. And He gave me a purpose in my life. I don’t live for myself anymore, nor for my parents, but for my Savior. He had pulled me out of lusts and sexual immorality. Not all at once, but little by little. He also gave me a new identity: my identity is not gay, nor transgender, not even straight, but my identity is in Christ. 

Chiristian V