Testimony of an Ex-Gay Atheist

I was born in a nominal Christian family. I was abused physically by my mom and felt rejected by my father. Because of that, I began loathing myself and was tempted to commit suicide a few times but God always stopped me every time. Since my childhood, I felt different and was always attracted to the same sex. I also felt like I was only a quasi-man. I tried to "pray the gay away" and change myself with my own power to be "straight" but I kept failing. So, I believed the lie that it was just who I was and I would die as a gay man. Finally I decided to just embrace and enjoy it. In doing so, I rejected the notion of God and His existence because I knew the truth that you couldn't follow God and live in sin at the same time. I ended up completely forgetting God. For me back then God didn't exist and after death there was only oblivion. Finally I was able to do what I wanted to do, such as lusting over men, watching porn, masturbating, etc. I was addicted to many things, including gaming. I've become really good at suppressing the truth about sin and my guilt. But even after living the life that I wanted, I was never satisfied.

On one ordinary day in 2010 I began to question the meaning of life. I thought... if there is no God, what is the meaning of suffering then? I have been abused and gone through rough time, what's the point of all that? I realized that the reality of suffering does not negate the existence of God but rather demands it. If God doesn't exist then suffering is pointless and if that's true then it's better to just kill ourselves and wipe out humanity rather than perpetuating pointless suffering. That would be the most rational thing to do. So I knew there must be more to life than this earthly experience. God began speaking to my heart and reminded me of His blessings in my life despite of all my sins. I was then convinced of God's love. A love that you can't find anywhere else but in Jesus Christ. For this reason I wanted to follow Jesus but I was still not sure. I was holding on to my gay identity and I was scared of losing it. I also thought following God would be so ever boring because I would have to stop doing the things I've enjoyed doing so far and I would be stuck with only prayers and hymns. (Boy was I wrong!) Knowing what was going on in my mind, God spoke the truth to me, "Only fools reject My perfect love." And it was like a wake up call for me. I realized I didn't want to be the fool who chooses sin over God's perfect love. So I decided to follow God at any cost because I just wanted Jesus that badly. I didn't want to be straight. At that time I didn't see anything wrong with being gay. In fact I asked God to let me stay gay if He is OK with that. But the moment I surrendered myself to Him, the power of sin was broken and I was instantly freed from homosexuality and my past addictions but my mind still had to be renewed.

After my repentance, temptation was still very strong and so God started this process of renewing my mind. He started to show the lies that I have believed and replace them with the truth: that this is about HOLINESS and NOT heterosexuality, that homosexuality is NOT same sex love, that love is NOT ONLY found in marriage, that intimacy and love are NOT synonymous with sex, that I AM a man of God, and that living FOR CHRIST actually makes life more exciting and well alive! As my mind was being renewed, temptation slowly began to lose its power. Nowadays I'm not 'tempted' when I'm 'tempted'. By God's grace, I have not backslidden so far. I am sure that this process of renewing my mind will continue 'til Christ returns or He calls me home. Either way, I am excited, I can't wait to see our beloved groom.

About a year ago, God inspired me to write a book, Not The Same Love, about God's love and truth that set me free from my sins, especially the sin of homosexuality. If you're struggling with homosexuality or know someone who is, you can read the book (for free) here on this site.

Sihol Gianito Situmorang