TESTIMONIES |
They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Revelation 12:11
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TESTIMONIES |
They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Revelation 12:11
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I sold my soul to “the god of this world”. He had the face of an angel. He said I could have it all. I traded the truth for lies. I followed my deceitful heart. I was crowned prince, dressed in Burberry and flown to New York, Los Angeles and Miami. The house music was spellbinding. I chatted up celebrities. I was ushered to the front of long lines and through the doors of exclusive clubs. On September 11, 2001, I woke up out of a drunken stupor and turned on the TV. Immediately I started crying. It reminded me that the Lord is coming back in judgment (Matthew 24:37-39). Having no peace, I was terrified. For work, I moved from Pittsburgh to Boston to Washington, DC and then back to Pittsburgh. My gay life peaked in the bigger cities and then slowed down in Pittsburgh where gay life was less distracting. I was alone with my thoughts. Cursing and screaming at my family, I had pushed away those who would not actively endorse my lifestyle. One day on Facebook, Christians tried to tell me that I needed to repent. I viciously attacked them. I hated the church. In my mind, my dog was all I had left. One night, I took him to the roof of my high-rise apartment building. He jumped to his death. In deep depression and heavily self-medicated, I also dreamed of jumping off the roof.
Over time, my fantasy world became a nightmare. It seemed like almost every time I entered a gay bar, I heard of yet another suicide or overdose. Sometimes we did not know for sure what happened, just that another person was gone. More sin seemed to temporarily decrease the severity of depression. I competed against my personal records. Each trip was intended to outdo the prior. So I planned a trip to San Francisco for my birthday (1/1/2010). Idea was to “airlift” myself out of depression. From designer scarfs, boots and watches to irreplaceable vintage finds, everything that was important to me was packed into one suitcase. “The Castro ain’t ready for this, honey! She’s fierce!” Albeit jokingly, I often referred to myself and other males as “she”. My self-worth was tied to youth, sex appeal and fashion sense- as best displayed through themed outfits. On the plane, charm earned free drinks. Airport taxi van stopped facing downward on a signature San Francisco slope. From outside the cab, I reached back inside to pay the driver. His fingers yanked the bill, as the van door slammed shut and the taxi sped away with my bag! I stood there catatonic. Everything was gone. I felt naked. In my mind, the challenge was remarkably clear: “Who are you now (without your ‘things’)?” To a friend, I referred to the energy behind this challenge as, “The universe”. I had lingered far from the Lord I knew as a child to follow my heart. I had a choice to make- fight or go home? In the morning, I gathered essentials at a thrift store. I did choose to fight. But on that trip, I also took risks that indicated the desperation I was feeling. Disappointed because I had not found anyone to take back to the hotel on my birthday, I was walking back from a club when strangers invited me into a house for seafood. They treated me like family. Unusual things were happening often. Back home, I got a puppy who looked just like Snoopy. I let few people get close to me but loved that dog. When I was a little boy, my mom hand-painted my bedroom wall with a Snoopy scene. It seemed like someone was trying to take my mind back to childhood- maybe when things were simpler and more innocent. One day, we came inside from playing. Snoopy stopped in front of a mirror, looked at himself for a few seconds and wagged his tail. I hated myself. But that day, I got the impression that it was ok to like myself. From relationships to casual sex, everything I tried ended in failure and misery. I was fed up with gay life and had stopped taking it seriously. I had no respect for gay men and had a score to settle with them as a collective. I was enslaved to lust, bitter toward the gay world, bitter toward the church. I was proven wrong but did not want to admit it. I was at the end of myself. Frustrated and depressed, I was bleeding internally from stomach ulcers and having heart palpitations from cocaine use. Youth was fading, and my days were numbered. Where do we go from here? Beginning prior to the financial crisis in 2007, I had been intimately involved in integrations related to bank acquisitions. Occasionally I recalled being taught of the end times Bible prophecy of “One world bank”. End times prophecy scared me. Without substances, I could not sleep at night. I had no peace. On May 28, 2010, a young guy I had met online was coming from New Jersey by train to spend the weekend with me. This type of thing was my norm. After work, I was preparing with sit-ups on my filthy apartment floor next to a dirty ash tray. Living a fantasy, I tried to present myself well in public. Up and down… up and down… there was a tightness in my chest. Reminders of end times prophecies, such as ‘earthquakes in diverse places’ (Matthew 24), streamed through my head. The war over the soul of a man was underway, and Satan would not let go without a fight. He spoke lies. I knew that the Lord is coming back in judgment and that I was not ready. But liberation required surrender. I had a choice to make. Suddenly I said ‘Ok’ or ‘Yes’ and surrendered to Jesus. It was like hollering, “Uncle!” I am not sure if I said it aloud or in my spirit. Literally I felt the burden lift from me. First thing I did was to stand up and look at myself in the mirror. I saw a genuine smile that did not require assistance from alcohol, drugs or sex. As remembered from childhood, I later prayed the sinner’s prayer on my knees at the side of the bed to make my decision official. I felt like a lump of bones that had been beaten for years. I could finally sleep without substances. Jesus had given me what the Bible calls “the peace that passes understanding”. Jesus brought revolution to my life that day. Did I follow Him perfectly afterwards? No. A much anticipated international trip was planned two weeks from that point. Although I considered cancelling, I went. Through heavy turbulence on the return flight, I was filled with fear. I ultimately repented and started over. He later would reveal my identity in Him and the enduring satisfaction that comes with following Jesus. Praise the Lord for His grace, mercy and abundant life in Him. Following my deceitful heart led me off a cliff. Jesus guides down a narrow, difficult path that leads to eternal life (John 10:10). Today I walk by faith and not by sight. His Word says that man and woman should be together, not man and man (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). Today I trust Jesus for a wife. “So if the Son sets you free, you shall be free indeed.” – John 8:36 Matthew Karchner https://castawayministries.org/
12 Comments
Angela Bostie
3/24/2017 07:30:24 pm
Your testimony filled my eyes with tears! Wow! Jesus loves you so much and saved you from so much! God bless and keep you :)
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josephine
3/27/2017 04:24:43 pm
God works wonders if we trust in Him.God bless on your journey Matt, and God bless is merciful,a loving Father. God blesses you always!
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Carolyn
3/27/2017 09:36:47 pm
You are not alone in this type situation. I have a friend that has turned his life around and now tells his story to all who will listen. I admire you both for the stand you take in this dark world of sin. Amazing the peace and joy found in the Lord! Thank you for sharing.
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3/27/2017 10:23:59 pm
Thank you for your transparency and honesty. We are all that lost and broken without Christ whatever our sin of choice is.
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Amber
3/28/2017 07:10:54 am
Matt, wow! What courage it takes to put all of your heart onto a page. But then to post for all eyes to see. That my friend is truly The Lord Jesus Christ working through you. He promises never to waste a hurt or a tear that is shed and my friend yours have not been wasted, because through you and your testimony others just like you will be healed. So very touching and powererful. May God continue to bless you and your beautiful life. 🕊
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Angela Ireland
3/29/2017 02:47:10 am
I hope your story saves many souls. God bless.
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Great testimony! It is amazing how God can turn a life around. No matter where we are God can reach us and change us, if we are just willing to call out to Him and trust Him with our lives. Thanks for sharing your story. May God continue to bless and use you greatly in building His kingdom.
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5/2/2017 08:18:54 am
Your story truly has blessed me! Thank you for your Kurds to answer his call, I love hearing radical transformations! Jesus is still in the business of redeeming are nasty Sins .. He washes me white as snow !!! Hallelujah I'm praying with you that God blesses you with a godly wife!
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Praise the LORD for ransoming your soul and for giving you true life! Praise the Lord for your testimony and your repentance as our soul is the only thing that lasts. What does it profit us if we gain the world and lose our soul? Praise the King for dying for people who hate Him!! What a loving and wonderful King we serve!
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Rebekah
7/23/2017 02:30:29 am
What a special testimony God has given you! I'm so proud of you! Thank you for sharing your special story! I am so blessed by it!
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Henry
7/23/2017 05:51:45 pm
Blessings to you my friend and brother. Similar story here. His mercies are new every day. We are free indeed.
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