Ex-Gay: Jesus Is My Lord, Not Just My Savior

Sexually abused, pornography, promiscuity, depression, suicidal thoughts, unwanted same-sex attraction, all these subjects is all I'm going to talk about because all these mean my life.

My name is Carlos Catari and I'm from Venezuela, I'm 32 years old but now I'm living in Canada. From the age of 5 to 12 years old I went through sexual abuse. So at early age I developped hypersexuality. My only focus as I grew up was to look for sex. I was always looking for sex. In fact at the age of 15 I was already into prostitution. At some point I decided to speak with my sister to talk about what was going on in my life and also to come out to her, telling her that I was gay. She couldn't handle it. She couldn't even understand it. So she talked with my mom and my mom came up to me in tears asking me something that I had never thought about. She asked me, "Carlos what if you were never sexually abused? Would you still be gay?" And then I said, "What?" I have never thought about that. But in fact this question: "What if you were never sexually abused? Would you still be gay?" haunted me from that point on. It might be true. But at that point I was already gay. I told them, "Listen, I'm gay." Despite that, she decided to make an appointment with a psychologist. From the first meeting we had I could understand that all that happened to me wasn't my fault. Before, I believed it was my fault. So she told me something that I never thought about, "Carlos, whether you will be gay or straight, let this be your choice and not the decision of someone else in your past." I really liked this. I liked the fact that I could decide my life

At this moment I was really involved in the gay world in my city. I had to learn so many mannerism to become more effeminate so I could fit in. But after knowing that I had the chance to decide my life, I decided to unlearn all these mannerisms. So I learned to talk with my hands without moving my wrist. I got used to talking this way so I could be more manly but I realized really quickly that it didn't change how I felt towards men. Outside yes, I could be so manly but inside I was so gay.

A year later, I decided to try to have a relationship with a girl and while I was with her, I had to think about men just to perform. But when I was with men, I kept thinking about my mom's question "What if you never had been sexually abused? Would you be gay?" So, with women didn't work, neither with men and I was sexually addicted. My life was like a vicious circle. I didn't have peace. In fact, I wanted to die. I wanted this to end. But nevertheless I kept my relationship with this lady.

Some months later we we went to the movies and there we saw a film that changed my life or at least changed a small part of my life. It was The Passion of the Christ. For me the word passion back then was related only to sex. I thought may be The Passion of the Christ was about Christ being passionate for women. I was so ignorant about Jesus. But as I saw all these sacrifices that He did for us, I was really touched. I said to myself, "Really, He did that for me? Not just that, He's offering me a new life? Really? I want that. I need that." Knowing my past it was clear that I could use a new life. So it was really easy to follow Jesus as my savior. I would say that one month later after watching the movie, I already joined a church. Already I was learning about this new God but immediately I started asking, "You know, Lord, if You are that powerful, please change me, I don't wanna be gay. I don't want to feel this attraction towards men." So I prayed a lot and you know what happened?

Nothing. Nothing happened.

I didn't feel any change. I didn't feel anything. In fact I would say that my desires towards men got even stronger. So at this moment of my life around 2004-2005, I lived a double, even triple life. I was at church with my girlfriend every Sunday praying. And then at night I was at gay clubs. I was doing gay activities, gay porns. And then when I was alone, I was so so bitter, so sad that I just wanted to die.

So after some time I broke up, and then I started a relationship with a girl, then a guy, a girl, a guy, and so on. I was such a hyporcite. My life was just a lie. Years later in 2007 something happened to my family and it was the worst that could happen to us. My sister Carla with whom I had a great relationship, we were very close, she was coming from another city and she got into a car accident. She didn't make it. This tragedy really destroyed our family, destroyed our heart, destroyed everything at that moment, and I was so deeply saddened by this that I decided to blame it on someone and I blamed it on God. Then immediately I broke up with my girlfriend. I told her, "You know, let's finish this. I'm gay." And then I went to the gay world.

With all my strength I went deep into the gay world and I was just looking to destroy myself. When I said the gay world, I meant random sex, no good friendship. It was a really bad idea. After a few months, one day God just took all my suffering, all my pain out of me. I couldn't even cry again about my sister. The memory was still there but the pain, the suffering, everything else was gone. I remember the Bible says somewhere that God can give you peace that surpasses all understanding. I have received that peace. So I decided to go back to church. But there was a problem. I was more gay than ever. I was very gay. Nothing has changed. I couldn't have relationship with women because I had to think about men when I'm with them. But at the same time I couldn't have relationship with men because my mom's question kept haunting me. So I could never have happiness or peace. I decided that the only solution is to make money. I thought money could fix this. 

I started working in a legit business in Venezuela and I was making great money. I was getting 6 figures per year. Despite all that, I felt deeply empty inside but on the other side my ego was soaring high and I felt superior to the others. In fact, I became arrogant and selfish. I was a worse person than before. But one day I decided to emigrate to Quebec, Canada. I thought that if I could make money in Venezuela, a country with so many problems, definitely in Canada I would become rich in 3 days. What happened was that three months after the being in Canada, I was totally broke. I was so so broke, I had lost everything. And I was like, "What? How could this be happening to me? Someone who is that good in business." I couldn't even realize that my ego had been so inflated. One year later I decided that since my whole life was going so down the road, I had to end a relationship I had with a guy whom I really loved deeply. I told him, "You know, I'm going to look for God. I think this is the great moment to go further into God." So I ended that relationship.

The first thing I did: I went to Google looking for God. I googled "gay Christian" and found a website that basically said that Jesus told us to love God with all our heart and mind and strength, and to love our neigbour as ourselves and if it's a man, it doesn't matter. And then I said, "Oh really? It works for me. It's true. I already love God as a Christian. I can love my neighbor. If it's a man, so? Let's do it." Immediately I took my phone and I called my mom telling her, "Hey mom, listen. After 15 years fighting against this, now I'm a gay Christian." I called my brothers. I called my cousins and friends. But after awhile I realized that I was calling and telling them this to help myself believe what I was saying because in my heart I didn't feel at peace. And you know the Bible says one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit is peace and I didn't have it. So something wasn't working here.

After that, everything went worse. It was like a hell. 2014 for me was the worst year. At one moment I was living in a friend's house sleeping on his couch. I was financially broke. I didn't have any money just to buy food or even to take a bus, to take the metro. I was still addicted to pornography and sexual encounters. It was something I could never stop. I don't know how I managed but some weeks later I found someone who would lend me $3000. So I took a plane to Peru. I went there to develop a business. While I was in Peru, I was with some friends and family whom I asked to come with me. There we rent an apartement in a 20 storey building and I used to go to the top of the building to see the city but also to imagine myself falling down. I wanted to jump. I wanted to commit suicide. I used to listen to a voice that told me, "Just jump. While you're falling, ask God to forgive you, He's gonna do it, but gravity won't. Boom... It's finished. Your life is over." At that moment it really looked like a good solution but I didn't do it. 

Something happened in Peru. I had the chance to meet a couple. Both of them were very Christian, like biblical Christian, like real people with real faith, something I have never seen. I said, "Wow, everything about them, the way they talk, the way they behave, the way they walk, everything about them shows God's glory and God's presence." Because of them, I wanted to know God. I wanted to have the relationship they had with God. I wanted to know God as they know Him. But immediately I said, "For sure I cannot because really I know I'm so gay." And what I mean by "so gay" is that I was so into sex, random sex, pornography, sexting, etc. I was in a such dark place. And I knew God wouldn't be there. I tried. He's not there. I decided that I could never have the relationship they had. So I came back to Montreal and asked a family, some people from church, if they could host me in their place because I was so broke. By the grace of God they said yes. I was sleeping in air bed with all my belonging in a garbage bag. I was broke in all aspect, financially , spiritually and mentally. Just one year before money was overflowing and now I was in this situation. I wanted to die. It was the worst moment of my life. At that point nothing mattered. All the knowledge I learned from church. All the bible studies. All the years with the psychologist. All the workshops I did about sexual restoration. All this stuff. Nothing worked in my life. I remember I even tried drugs. It was the first time in my life.

I spent that Christmas with the family as I was staying there. I remember after we passed to 2015, I said, "Wow I made it to 2015. I didn't die in 2014. It was a miracle already." Something happened. Someone came to me. We started talking. It was a Christian man from church. He told me something that really hit me in my face. He said, "Carlos, the problem with many Christians is that they have Jesus as their Savior but not as their Lord." And then I was like, "What? You know Luigi, this is not you who is talking. God came looking for me today 1st January 2015 3 AM in the morning to tell me He's not the Lord in my life." I recognized immediately that the reason I was living this hell was because He wasn't my Lord. A few days later I received a message from a friend. She told me, "Carlos, remember something: the Lord forgives your sins but not the consequences because the consequences you have to live them." And then I said, "Yeah, it's true. Moses in the Bible. David in the Bible. Solomon in the Bible. They all went through the consequences." My life has gotten so bad that I couldn't bear anymore. I said a prayer. I said, "Lord, you know, after right now, it won't matter if I'm gay or heterosexual or whatever, my dreams, my goals, anything else is not important. I just want to follow You. I destroyed my life. While being the lord of my life, I was the worst manager ever that could ever exist. So I give You everything. So please be the Lord of my life. I give You total control of this mess. I'm already happy because my future is in Your hands." I said this and the heavens didn't open. Nothing happened but just two days later I lived one of the most amazing things I could think of.

The lady who rent me the room sent me a preaching through YouTube. It was a hispanic pastor who was talking about a topic that I never knew all my life. He was talking about the spiritual war, the angels, the demons, the war of God, energy, quantum physics, everything. It was so amazing. I had never seen something like that. In fact, I didn't believe in any spiritual things like that. But after 7 hours watching that preaching, I couldn't stop because it was calling my heart. At the end I realized he talked about the subject of alignment. I decided that I wanted to say that prayer, the prayer he did, even if he didn't talk about homosexuality, I wanted to do it. Then I said, "Lord in the name of Jesus, I align my body with my soul, my soul with my spirit, and my spirit with the Holy Spirit. And in the name of Jesus, I cast out this spirit of homosexuality that always wanted to destroy me. I restore the original design by which you made me and I pray for my wife and my kids in the name of Jesus, Amen." Immediately I said, "Wife and kids? Where is this coming from?" It's been years I don't know any woman. I didn't know why I prayed like that but immediately I felt like a switch was activated inside of me. And I said, "Something happened! something happened!" I took my phone and I went to my porn gallery and started looking at pictures of men and I didn't feel anything. I was surprised. I continued swiping and I realized immediately that I didn't feel any attraction towards these men. And then I said, "Is it a miracle that just happened here?"

I understood immediately that for God it was not difficult to do a miracle in my life but He wouldn't do it while He was not the Lord of my life. I was so amazed I wanted to tell everybody about this. Some days later, something harder happened. I went to visit a "friend", a sexual friend. We ended up doing something I didn't want to do. Immediately when I was there, I realized I don't belong there anymore. I felt like a fish out of water. I told him, "Listen I don't belong anymore to the team. I'm out." How could this be possible? Someone who has been addicted to gay sex, his whole life, 27 years, who has been with more than 600 people, how could he be repulsed by homosexual act? Only God can do this. Only Jesus can do this. I realized it was a miracle and I had to take care of this treasure. I remember the Bible said when a spirit got out of a house, it wandered to find rest, and if it didn't find, it would go back to the house it left with seven more spirits to destroy everything. For this not to happen to me, I have to fill myself with the word of God and with His spirit. So I became a Jesus addict. I couldn't stop listening to sermon every day, in french, in spanish, in english. I couldn't stop. I was filling myself so much with prayer and God's word all day long. I would say it took about 6 months and everything was gone. Pornography, masturbation, sexual attraction, even bad words. Now when I wake up in the middle of the night, I would look for worship videos and start worshiping. That just doesn't happen to someone who is addicted to pornography. Really what happened to me was a miracle. 

After awhile I realized that my problem in fact was not being gay, my problem was not being addicted to pornography, being depressed, having suicidal thoughts. My real problem was that I didn't have a personal relationship with Jesus. That was the reason of my disaster. Now I understand what the Bible says about "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free." The word "know" in greek means "to know each other closely". I didn't know the truth and the truth is Jesus. But now I know the truth. I know the Jesus. He set me free. I'm free. I'm totally free. I scream this many times. Now my life is so peaceful. My life is so filled with joy and love. And I don't worry about anything. I live by the word of God and the word of God doesn't change. This is not the Carlos that used to live before. And that's the reason why I'm telling you this story, I cannot even get sad about what happened to my sister because I don't relate anymore to the old me. I'm not sad anymore. I'm not guilty anymore. I'm not depressed. I'm not sexually driven. It's over.

Now, I don't know what you have been through. I don't know where you're at now but I know that the Lord can take you out of any situation but you have to surrender. You have to give Him all the control of your life. You have to give Him access because He respects your decision. He respected my decision during 11 years. I don't want you to live another 11 years or even another year as you are living now. Look for Him. I would like to pray this moment just to lead you to look for Him and take all your loads on Him.

Father in heaven, I pray to You for this person that he can really rest in you, that he can forget about everything that is wrong in his life, and he can focus only on You. I pray that he will repent of all the sins in his life and he can start a new life with You in Your favor, in Your ways. I pray that he can really understand who he is in You and that You will give him a new life in abundance as said in the Bible. Thank you Jesus because You hear our voices, our heart and You hear what he has been longing for so long. Let him become the child of God that he was meant to be. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

Obviously it's a process but it's better to start now. It would be a pleasure for me to help you. Just find me on Facebook. My name is Carlos Eduardo Catari. I'm here to serve the Lord. I'm here to help you to find Him. I'm here to help others to find the joy and the happiness and the fulfillment that I am living now in Jesus. God bless you.